When I bought my condo, I didn't buy it for its beauty. It was run down, but it had clear potential. The lawn was hopeless and drove me nuts. If I killed all the weeds, there would have been nothing left but dirt. There was no other choice but to tear it out and start from scratch. I've been taking care of the new lawn for a little over a month and I forgot how much I like gardening. It's an addiction.

Things are different in the city. Gardening is not a solitary activity here, people always want to stop and chat. Every time I go out, I don't know what to expect. Some gay guys wanted to take me home to be their personal gardener, but that wasn't as gross as the syringe I dug up when I was planting bushes. Three cheers for heroin addiction!

I met a guy who got out of prison a couple months ago and was walking around trying to sell his artwork. He told me he had some great tattoo designs. I'm horrible at getting rid of people who are nice, so I wasted 20 minutes looking at explicit porn. Who the hell would want a reverse cowgirl tattoo? He does portraits, too.

I met a super adorable girl. We talked for a little bit and she wanted to exchange numbers. I didn't have my phone on me, but I got her name to add her on Facebook. It seemed too easy and she was too perfect. We had a lot in common right away. How often do you sit around and talk about Photoshop techniques with someone you randomly meet on the street? Another thing we have in common is that we both are into girls.

My lawn looks pretty. It's a field of weed-free lush, green grass. It's also a chemical cesspool. My next door neighbor is a little pissed. She came home when I was copiously applying weed killer everywhere and she was concerned that all the dogs in the neighborhood were going to die. I told her I was going to put up some warning signs. I was feeling sarcastic, but in the end I just put Toxic Yard. Here's what I didn't put on the sign:

  • This lawn will get you and your little dog, too.
  • This lawn treated by Satan with uranium, crystal meth, and babies' blood.
  • This lawn treated with ground up, shrunken, blackened republican hearts.
  • Danger. This lawn can cure herpes.
  • Partouze Interdit